I don’t care how well you’ve fooled yourself and those around you and I don’t care what anyone associated with you thinks of me; they’re insignificant because you feed them lies and you manipulate the truth. You’re such a master!
Narcissist, I too have a support group and a mental health team thanks to you, even after 4 years what you did effects me daily, but please by all means continue to blow off the severity of your actions and paint yourself as the victim of a crazy girlfriend. Do what you must to get the pats on the back and support from your friends while I continue with weekly therapy sessions.
For a long time I hated you, some of that time was when we were together. I loathed you. When I discovered the depth of your betrayal I deconstructed. My whole being, my soul, body, mind… I just dissolved into madness and dark. There were times where I wanted to rip your still beating heart out and there were times where I reached out to anyone who I thought would listen to tell them what you are. There were times I screamed at you, times I begged you to make the pain stop and times I cried myself to sleep.
Then there was nothing but silence. You were done with me. You left me abandoned and crying. You belittled me with the most evil and sterile voice, this voice is the one that comes naturally for you; yet I still sobbed and begged.
So why don’t I hate you? There are several answers, none of which are what you think. I do not still love you. I do not miss you. I do not want you. The truth is that when the flames died down and there was nothing left but ash, something grew within me. It was strength, determination, and most of all it was the ability to let go. You didn’t want to, nor did you know, but you gave me a gift.
You see, I do not hate you, I pity you; not in the way that you want. I pity you because you are a soulless creature whose only joy is causing confusion and pain. How tiresome it must be to balance different women and different lies. How lonely it must be to have nothing but your coldness and enjoyment of suffering to keep you warm at night. You are not a human. You will never experience real love, joy, heartache, longing, or grief. You will not be bettered by the lives you touch and you won’t enrich the lives of others. You will not gaze at the stars to ponder the vastness of the universe and wonder “why”, you will look up and only see yourself.
You did not outsmart me. I admit, I find solace knowing that. You did not “best me” or “outwit me.” After returning from California I began to see that you were different; you changed.
I knew every step of the way what you were, what you were capable of, and what you were doing. What blinded me wasn’t ignorance, stupidity, or naivety; it was hope. I relied on hope, an emotion that you will never fully understand. You don’t know how to feel it. You don’t know what it is. You don’t know why it exists or what it’s good for. It doesn’t make you smart, witty, or insightful to play with someone’s hope, especially mine.
You will never get to experience life the way I do. You will be forever stuck in an existence where the point of life is sheer pettiness, games and possessions… This makes you insignificant. It makes you obsolete. It makes you boring. You are just a shallow pool and I am a deep ocean.
I don’t know how you can look at yourself without wanting to punch yourself in the face.
I now realize I don’t have to forgive you to free me. You don’t deserve my forgiveness now and I can’t see me ever offering it to you, at least not in the near future.
You took every ounce of self-respect that I had left and and shredded it then laughed and bragged on how you were just stringing me along hoping the State would cut a deal as to reduce your charge. You were just using my affection for you to your advantage.
I’m still not sure if you’re so naive that you can’t see how offensive you are or if you’re truly that much of a sociopath. I’m equally unsure of which is worse for you.
I’m upset with myself that I have always allowed you to have the upper hand in every situation. You left me sitting without a voice while you got away smiling at your victory in your sick game of power play.
So, what loyalty do I really owe you? I don’t believe I owe you anything, especially right now. I want you to leave my thoughts, to leave my heart and the cells within me that you’ve infected for so many years. I long for a day where I wake up and don’t think about you anymore. I long to feel genuinely happy again and to not spend every day of my life struggling through crippling anxiety, hearing loss and PTSD. You’re a toxic individual that created a ghost of who I use to be.
I hope somewhere along the line you’re man enough to admit to yourself and to me and everyone else you’ve lied to that you have done a terrible thing, but genuinely mean it, oh, you need to apologize to A too. I’ve always taken your words of apology with a grain of salt. I hope that somehow karma works its way to you and gives you a full dose of what you deserve. Nothing too bad, just enough to match the pain you inflicted onto me mentally and physically.
I wish you could really look at yourself from a perspective other than your own. You claimed that you “had a talk with yourself” days after May 20th, but if that were the case you would have seen the torture you were still putting me through. You can’t possibly tell someone you love them and offer hope and a life time together, but you knowingly inflicted pain and betrayal without empathy for my feelings. You knew how much I loved you, but you couldn’t care less.